Apr 1, 2017 by


President Donald Trump has announced in a new statement that he will act on his campaign promise to declare vaccines illegal in the United States and territories within the first hundred days of his presidency. Citing concerns over dangerously high mercury levels and questionable CDC incentives, Trump said “While vaccines have arguably helped with the spread of some inconsequential diseases, the growing autism epidemic is a far greater concern. As president, I will preserve our childrens’ health by immediately banning vaccines.”

Tom Frieden, director of the CDC, responded to Trump’s comments with dissent. “Vaccines are the only barrier between civilization and apocalypse. Doctors everywhere know that they are necessary and beneficial, and should Trump actually enact this absurd plan, I will immediately step down as CDC director in protest.” Sources close to the CDC confirm that he is serious about this accusation.

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